The discovery of an infidelity or affair is painful.
It can be difficult for couples to truly recover without the help of a counselor or coach.
One reason is because in the early discovery process, both partners usually have two different agendas.
For example, the hurt partner is usually reeling as their reality has been turned upside down.
Often people describe this experience as a rug being pulled out from underneath them, as what they thought was reality is now called into question.
This experience is traumatic.
For the involved partner, the discovery may provide a sense of relief as they are no longer living a split and conflicted life.
Often the involved partner may want to push the recovery process too fast with a stance of, “It’s out, now let’s move on.”
But first, the work of the hurt partner is to start to make sense of this new reality. If there’s some motivation to work on the relationship, then there needs to be space to share the pain and confusion.
The most important thing is first for the hurt partner to begin to regain some stability.
During this time, the involved partner needs to have patience, empathy and humility – which is what we help partners with.
As the recovery continues, there are usually two glaring questions for the hurt partner.
- Why did you do this?
- How can I begin to trust you?
Our support provides the framework and the guidance to navigate these questions.
The exploration of these questions help to rebuild trust.
As recovery continues further, then it’s important to address the conditions that have allowed space for this.
This is both the personal and relationship conditions.
For example, in regards to personal conditions, what allowed you to go through with the affair? What allowed you to forget your “No” – the reason why we don’t cheat?
(For more on this, check out the article by UpJourney called: Why Do People Cheat On People They Love? Jason was interviewed there and halfway down the article he has a section entitled, “They forget their “no”).
Then, what was the relational dynamics, were you two getting what you wanted? Do you two share what you weren’t getting?
Ultimately, if motivated to do so, we help you use this incident as motivation to transform unhealthy personal and relationship dynamics into ones that are healthy and fundamentally cherishing.